Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Road Trip! And why you should probably never take one with me

I just went on a beast of a mini road trip. 5.5hrs up, 5.5hrs down...by myself...with little to no sleep...in the span of like 24 hours. On this journey, i've come to the realization that i'm probably the worst person in the world to take a road trip with. Here's my top 10 reasons why (isn't it sad that there's more than 10 reasons lol):

  1. I hate driving long distances when i actually have somewhere to go. Before gas prices shot through the roof, it was nothing for me to meander the streets for hours at a time. But when i actually have to drive someplace...forget about it. So if you roadtrip with me, don't expect me to be of much help with the driving.
  2. I have no problem going to sleep and leaving you bored/alone while you do all the driving. And i dare you to get an attitude about it or try and wake me up!
  3. I complain...a lot. I will be the one constantly asking "For heaven's sake, are we there yet? Well why not? What's taking so long? I was asleep for forever and we're still in the same state? Geez."
  4. I don't like bridges and will harass you to no end if you don't drive in the middle lane. I've been like this since i was a kid. I think its a combination of not knowing how to swim and watching too many movies where people careen off a bridge into the ocean.
  5. I play my music...LOUD.
  6. I also sing...in English, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Igbo, Yoruba, Hausa, Ga, Twi, Lingala, Creole, Pidgin, Patois...you name it. If i know the words, or am reasonably good at mimicking what the words sound like, i'm singing along. At the top of my lungs. And i dare you to say anything!
  7. It is very likely that i will be molesting the seat of your car with my copious amounts of gyrating to the music. Dont judge me. Just be glad that i'm fully clothed and leather can't get you pregnant (cuz i'd sue for full custody of the car if its nice)
  8. In the event that you coerce me into helping drive, i should let you know that i drive like a mad woman. Speed limit says 50mph? Who cares, we're doing 95mph! Person in front of us is driving like an old bitch too slow? Zip into the next lane, glare at them as you pass then cut back in front of them. Yeah, it'll be a wild ride.
  9. I also have ridiculous amount of road rage (i'm working on it though). Prepare thine ears.
  10. And last but not least, contrary to all i've just said, i'm like the road safety police. You better have your seat belt fastened at all times, there better not be any monkey business going on, that better not be alcohol i smell, you are definitely not allowed to smoke...even if the window is down and you're in the back seat where the likelihood of me smelling it is minimal, and don't you dare fall asleep while im driving and miss out on my singing, dancing, cussing and speeding!
The only positives i can think of are that i hardly ever ask for rest breaks and i try to refrain from eating offensive smelling food when in the car. Oh and i bring the best snacks! LOL

Thursday, July 25, 2013

wooooooo-saaaaaaaaah

I swear this silly bitch has one more time to talk crazy to me. 1 more fucking time. And i'm getting in my car, crossing state lines and beating the shit outta somebody. This is why I keep to myself. I am not the fucking one. Not at all.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Don't Blame Yourself

"After being cheated on, women tend to blame themselves"

Every time i hear or read sentiments like this i have to look left, then look right and wonder what women they are talking about exactly. Quite frankly, on the rare occasion that I've been cheated on or suspected foul play the first thought that pops into my mind isn't "what's wrong with me"...its more like:
Motherfu#*er, what's wrong with YOU?!? You have filet mignon waiting for you at home and you decide to go out in these streets and eat some dry ass meatloaf instead? Clearly you have lost your mind. Do i need to contact someone to come and Baker Act you? Because i do still have some connections at a few mental health care facilities and i am sure i can get you a bed and access to a good counselor!
 But i'm kinda conceited like that i guess. If i go more than a day or so without hearing from you, i assume you're dead or in some horrible condition because my mind can't fathom any other reason why you wouldn't want to call me lol. What can i tell you, i think very highly of myself. Perhaps because i spent way too many years having self esteem issues. IDK.

Even now, in the midst of this crazy drama (that a couple of you know a lil bit about) - which i blame completely on Sisi Yemmie by the way, had she not asked me about whether or not i had drama in my life in that last post, i wouldn't have had to speak it to the universe that i didn't have any...which caused the universe to in return drop a big steaming pile of it right on my forehead! - i've not even responded to the person because in my mind (and in reality) they are not even on the level where their ears/mind would be worthy of my words. Not to mention that my words would probably make the person want to slit their own wrists.

But anyway, i'm way off topic lol. Ladies (and gentlemen) don't blame yourself for being cheated on. You are too fabulous to bear the burden of someone else's poor decision making and lack of self-control/self respect. :)

Disclaimer: i ♥ Sisi Yemmie and don't actually blame her for my drama (ok, maybe a lil lol)

Slightly Unrelated Sidenote: Passive-Aggressive Flirt #1 called me last night lol. Aaaaaaah man.

Monday, July 22, 2013

You asked and I answered

CherryWine:
22. Do you still talk to any of your ex's?
No ma'am. No ex-boyfriends, no former hoes, nada. Don't really see any point in it.

32. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
When you're gone with the wind fabulous like i am, everyone is likely to be talking crap.



Quaggar:
12: Have you had sex in 2013 yet?
Good girls don't kiss and tell lol

13: Who last slept in your bed besides you?
I dey for my mama house. Nobody sleeps in this bed but me...ever. Even after i'm married, i'm sure that'll still be the rule lol




Tamie:
2. Do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectedly turned up pregnant right this second?
At this point in life, even though im not ready to be anyone's mama, i wouldn't run away from the responsibility. Unless i was raped or something along those lines, then i really don't know.

5. Is there a situation where you caved into peer pressure and regretted it?
One thing i've always prided myself on is being my own person. I don't do peer pressure. 


Toin:
8. Have you ever been in a relationship that was going great, and then suddenly something weird happened and you just KNEW it was going to be over soon?
Isn't that how all relationships end up when the break-up isn't mutual lol. Or maybe thats just me and my unlucky in love self.



17. If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose?
Ah man, tough one. I guess i'd want to see Flavour. Am i getting a backstage pass too?





Sisi Yemmie:
34. Do you sometimes wake up in the morning, lay in bed and think about life?
Nope, but i do lay awake in bed at night thinking about life. Insomnia.

35. Do you  have drama in your life?
No, not really. Unless you count momsy's "where is our son-in-law" side eye lol

Friday, July 19, 2013

I need a distraction: lifting the iron curtain

A few days ago, I dropped the iron curtain on the blog. As you can guess, especially being so close to the "action", the Zimmerman verdict hit me very very hard. So i had to take some time to regroup because it was not a nice sight in this pretty lil head of mine. So in an effort to lighten my mood, i snatched this lil questionnaire from my tumblr dash. Feel free to indulge.

Leave a number in the comment box and i'll answer that question:

  • 1. If you’ve ever tried drugs or alcohol, what was your reason for first trying it?
  • 2. Do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectedly turned up pregnant right this second?
  • 3. If you were far from home and needed to sleep for the night, would you choose to rent a crappy motel room for $60 or sleep in your car for free?
  • 4. Is there a color shirt you’d NEVER wear?
  • 5. Is there a situation where you caved into peer pressure and regretted it?
  • 6. What is your favorite video game console? Why?
  • 7. Do you like vanilla candles?
  • 8. Have you ever been in a relationship that was going great, and then suddenly something weird happened and you just KNEW it was going to be over soon?
  • 9. Would you ever bleach your hair platinum blonde?
  • 10. What are your plans for tomorrow?
  • 11. What did you have for breakfast?
  • 12. Have you had sex in 2013 yet?
  • 13. Who last slept in your bed besides you?
  • 14. What time did you wake up today?
  • 15. How long until your next birthday?
  • 16. What was the last movie you watched?
  • 17. If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose?
  • 18. When did you last consume something that had peanut butter?
  • 19. What’s the last song you heard?
  • 20. When you say you love someone, do you mean it?
  • 21. Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
  • 22. Do you still talk to any of your ex’s?
  • 23. As of this minute, what is going through your mind?
  • 24. Where’s the last place you went?
  • 25. Have you held hands with anyone lately?
  • 26. Has anyone let you down recently?
  • 27. Does it bother you when people try to make you jealous?
  • 28. Whats the next movie you want to see in theaters?
  • 29. Do you have more than $50 in your room?
  • 30. Are both of your blood parents still in your life?
  • 31. Were you tired when you woke up this morning?
  • 32. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
  • 33. When was the last time you went apple picking?
  • 34. Do you sometimes wake up in the morning, lay in bed and think about life?
  • 35. Do you have drama in your life?

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Justice...Only for Some Apparently

George Zimmerman: Not Guilty. Complete and utter bullshit of thee absolute highest caliber. Cannot really say i'm surprised but dammit it doesn't stop it from hurting. Not at all.The entire trial was a sham from start to finish and the State of Florida should be ashamed of the way they prosecuted this case. I'll admit that proving 2nd degree murder was a stretch but this seriously should've been a slam dunk for manslaughter. But in true Floridian fashion these people have proven they can't do shit right! Even up against Mark O'Mara and Don West's incompetent asses. I wouldn't let them defend me if they paid me to do so...i guess unless i committed a crime in the state of Florida.

Michael Vick gets locked up for knowing people who were having dog fights. Plaxico Burress  gets locked up for shooting his damn self in the leg. Marissa Alexander, in the same damn state as George Zimmerman, using the same damn defense, gets 20 years in prison for firing a warning shot into the air to ward off her abusive husband. But George Zimmerman tub of lard ass gets to walk the streets a "free" man after killing an unarmed teenage boy who was guilty of nothing except minding his own damn business. SMDH

I only got 2 things to say:

  1. Mr Zimmerman (and co.), enjoy spending the rest of your life looking over your shoulder and dealing with the knowledge that you murdered an innocent 17 year old boy (even though from your own lips you've already told the world that even knowing what you know now you'd still do the same thing again) without even so much as apologizing to the boy's parents.
  2. State of Florida- you better not fuck up the Michael David Dunn/Jordan Davis case (even though they are already showing signs)!
Being Black in America is not easy. Not at all. Praying for Trayvon's family. If justice couldn't served in this life, then i sincerely hope it is served in the next. 
RIP Trayvon Martin

Thursday, July 11, 2013

I've never been to a wedding

...is a comment i've been hearing quite a lot lately. And its just crazy to me. Like, how is it possible that you've never been to a wedding? Its one thing when we were like teens (or younger)- even though by the time i was a teenager i had been to and/or in at least 3 or 4. But at this age..."marrying age". How is it even possible?

I was talking to my friend and he was telling me that he has only been to a wedding once, and that was when he was a little kid. He said the only people he knows that are married are his parents (and other older relatives). Something about that just doesn't sit right with me. In my world, people are tying the knot left right and center. I can't take 2 steps without hearing about somebody getting engaged. I read all the time about how people aren't marriage-minded anymore, and the alleged epidemic of unmarried black women who have no prospects...but i've always disregarded it because i've spent a small fortune on wedding gifts, bridesmaid dresses, and travel arrangements in the past 3 years, not to talk of all the weddings i didn't go to but knew of.

IDK man. Is it just me? Is there anyone else out there who hasn't (or knows people who haven't) been to a wedding before? Cuz its just super strange to me.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Vacation: All I Ever Wanted

I think i had like the greatest weekend of my life. I really can't remember when i've had so much fun back to back to back. And its amazing the adventures you can have when someone comes to visit from outta town. So many places i've seen and things i've done during this past 4 days...all in the name of keeping my "company" entertained. Its crazy.

Maybe i just need to get out more lol.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Not so desperately seeking

Because its never too early to start prepping for Cuffing Season...
The hiring process is as follows-

Step 1: Fill out and return the preliminary application.
Step 2: Your preliminary application will be reviewed by HR. If you meet the basic qualifications, you will be invited to fill out the official application.

Step 3: If you are contacted by HR to continue on with the hiring process and are still interested in one of our open positions, please fill out and return the following application
Step 4: Upon receipt, your official cuddle buddy application will be forwarded to the hiring manager for review. If we feel that your qualifications match our needs, the hiring manager will contact you to set up an in person interview. Please be prepared to provide at least 3 references that are familiar with your cuddling abilities. You will also be expected to complete an aptitude test to further evaluate your ability to perform the duties required for the position.

Step 5: If hired, compensation and benefits will be thoroughly discussed and agreed upon prior to your official start date.

Thank you for your interest in being Lady Ngo's cuddle buddy. Best of luck!

Monday, July 1, 2013

I've always wondered

why Reggae (and most of the genres therein) are so much more widely accepted than Afropop (including Afrobeat, soukous, coupe decale, etc). I mean, to my ear, they are both on the same level. I honestly don't see how you could like one and not the other. Language difference aside, there are a helluva lot of similarities. Yet Reggae gets its own section while Afropop is lumped into World Music. I must admit though, the african stations on Pandora have improved tremendously in the past year. I don't know what to attribute that to. Imagine my surprise when i typed in WizKid and something actually popped up. A year ago, the only thing that came up was Wiz Khalifa lol.

This, to me at least, is a subset of a larger issue of "foreign black acceptability". I just made that up (i think), don't let me catch you using it anywhere else! In the US at least, if you say you're from the Caribbean, its not a big deal. but good heavens, say you're from anywhere in Africa and you might as well have said you were from one Saturn's moons. If i had gone the sociology route, this certainly would have been in my thesis/dissertation as it has been a topic that has interested me for a long time.

I wonder if anyone has ever done any research on this. I'm off to Google Scholar to see if anyone has.

Welcome to July, the second half of 2013 has begun :)