Tuesday, May 17, 2011

What are you people thinking?!?

So I was over at Linda Ikeji's Blog yesterday and I swear, never before has there been a time where i've so wanted to throw my laptop out of the window. Kai! For those who don't feel like reading the whole gist, i will summarize her post:
Basically a woman's husband of about 1 year has impregnated another woman. The wife sef also get belle for the husband. Both the children are but months apart from each other, with the wife's child being the oldest. The wife now wants to know what she should do.
Now, im not upset by the post, it is the comments that had me seeing red. Personally i commented that I wouldn't/couldn't stay with a man that cheated on me but that this lady needs to think it through very well and make up her own mind because she is the one who knows the situation and will have to live with the choices and outcomes (i think that last line was inspired by a-9ja-great's post lol). So of course as this is my stance i have a bit of a bias.

But OMG, those comments o (even as i type this, ppl are still commenting)! Is this not 2011? What are some of these people thinking? Let me give some small examples:

1. She should stay with the man because if not she'll have to deal with being a single mother, she won't have anything, no one will respect/marry her, think about how this will affect your children, blah blah blah
Are you mad??? Unless this woman is 100% financially dependent on the man, what other reason is there for her to stay? Being a single mother is only a horrendous thing because society paints it as such that a woman has little to no worth if she is not in one way or another attached to a man and make matters extremely difficult for a woman to make moves without a man. I lived in a one parent home for some time. I saw my mother struggle to raise me and my sister when my dad left with little to no support as both my grandparents had died when my mom was pregnant with me. But she made it work and we are house of well adjusted, hard-working, and morally upright (or at least i like to think so) individuals. Not to mention that she is now happily married to my stepdad and they just celebrated their 16th wedding anniversary last month. So phooey on the misguided notion that a divorced woman is damaged goods. Im not saying being a single parent is ideal or easy but to me it beats the alternative of allowing my children to see me constantly upset and being disrespected by my husband and subsequently thinking that kind of thing is ok/acceptable.
2. She should try and save her marriage and win back her husband.Think about your wedding vows/oaths.
Again, are you mad??? Why should the wife be trying to win back the cheating husband? He is the one that broke the vows and stepped outside of their marriage. Should it not be him that should be trying to win her back??? See this foolish world we live in. Utter rubbish. And as for those vows- if he cannot honor them, why should i (religious obligations aside)?
3. If you leave, then he will invite the mistress into the house and she will be reaping the benefits of marriage. 
Ha! If that is what the woman wants- a lying, cheating, philandering husband, then good for her! The cane that is used to beat the first wife will be used to beat the second wife, as the saying goes. How can i be jealous of a woman who will now most likely go through the same heartache and drama that i went through? True, it is possible that the man will marry this woman and never ever cheat on her and they have a long blissful life together, but in the unlikely instance that something like that will happen, none of that will change the fact that he has already cheated on me- and produced another baby that is nearly the same age as my own to add insult to injury.
4. You should stay and treat your marriage like a contract. Don't rely on him for love and happiness. Just treat him like he's your brother. Cook/clean/keep house for him and find your own happiness elsewhere.
Cock and Bull of the highest caliber! If you can do that, then you are a better human being than me sister!! I can't fathom cooking, cleaning, and washing the dirty undies of a man that would be making me sick to my stomach. Why should i sit here and be unhappy when i could be happy somewhere (and with somebody) else? And even if happiness no dey, im no worse off being on my own than i would be if i stayed with this man that i now despise.
*The thing that really pisses me off the most is that if the shoe were on the other foot and it was the wife that was cheating and got pregnant by her lover there would be no sympathy for her from men or women and the responses would surely be of the kick her ass to the curb mentality rather than begging the man to save the marriage* 
As im sure you can tell by now i have little to no tolerance for cheating. Im not saying every relationship/marriage should end because your spouse is unfaithful. Im only speaking for myself in that i don't feel that i can stay with someone who has cheated on me. If any other person can deal with it, then God bless them but i am not a woman built for that kind of thing at all. I pray i never have to go through such in my matrimonial home. In my own mind, there is just no reason for cheating. If you know you cannot commit to one woman (or man, because women cheat too), why bother getting married? If your partner is not pleasing you in bed, why not just instruct them on what they should be doing to make you happy? If your spouse has done something to upset you, why is the solution to go chase skirts (or trousers for the womenfolk) in the street or look for a replacement wife when you can just as easily sit down and talk about what it is that your partner is doing that is pushing you away from them?

Another thing i just don't understand is people who say it was an accident, a mistake. Which kind accident?
When you started talking up this person, did your mind not tell you that you had a spouse at home?
When you took this person's number/bbm pin/etc, did your mind not tell you that you had a spouse at home?
When you invited them out to dinner/for drinks/etc, did your mind not tell you that you had a spouse at home?
When you decided to go back to their place/your place/the hotel, did your mind not tell you that you had a spouse at home?
When you were kissing and caressing that person, did your mind not tell you that you had a spouse at home?
When you were undressing/being undressed by the person, did your mind not tell you that you had a spouse at home?
When you (God willing) opened that condom wrapper (or hell, when you went to where ever and bought that condom), did your mind not tell you that you had a spouse at home?
When you went in for the kill and were tumbling around in that bed did your mind not tell you that you had a spouse at home???

See, there are just way too many opportunities for you to take responsibility and end the thing for me to ever treat infidelity as a mistake or an accident. I better never hear such or i may just go into my kitchen and grab the butcher knife!
Man, i could write a whole book on the issue lol.

14 comments:

  1. chei and im trying to sleep o. ok i will come back nd tackle dis if dis sleep doesnt come. im sha kinda on ur team

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  2. I can understand you sentiment dear,some of the comments are very obnoxious and permit me to say stupid.If i'd give my own advice,i'd advice that she really thinks it through and whatever her decision,she should never live in thesame house with the other woman,neither should she allow her child live under thesame roof with the other woman.Whatever she decides upon would be understandable!

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  3. The problem is we haven't created an environment in Nigeria that can enable the average single mom thrive on her own. So, as sad as these comments are, they offer the most pragmatic solution.

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  4. Oh men, I just went and read the comments. I've been off blogger for a while and I missed that. I agree with you in all the points. While it is an option to forgive a cheating spouse, the way the comments put it, na wa!

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  5. My head and heart are boiling. That is the mentality of our society. Win him back, fight for him, blah blah blah. The man stepped out of the marriage, slept with and knocked up his accomplice and I should fight for him. I know temptation is a tricky thing and I am not married so maybe I should close my mouth...but I'd be a monkey's uncle if some man wants me to stay and fight for him after he disrespects our home like that. I am not sure I can be the wife he needs me to be when he is paying to support a child he brought into this world while we were married. mba nu. All that said, I pray I do not have to be in this kind of situation.

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  6. Enough said LadyNgo! i believe you were even a little too "soft" in your outrage. Such nonsense! Fight for him my foot!

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  7. LOL...tell em why you mad, gurrlll!!!

    I agree with you wella mehn. I hear these things and i'm like "WTFF??" But like Prism said most of them stay cos they don't feel they can do better. "When people know better, they do better"

    "The African" woman still hasn't evolved, sadly. We still get the very short end of the stick. Although there are more women standing up for themselves than in our parents time but stats are still pretty sad.

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  8. Na wa ooo. I can feel the passion with which you typed this in every word I read.
    You are not finding it funny at all. I am single and will never suggesr to any woman what they should do, each person will decide whether or not the cross is worth carrying
    First time here
    atilola.blogspot.com

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  9. This was a long post i enjoyed reading cos i felt you all through the post and I also agree with you. Forgiving a partner who cheats on you can be quite difficult and we can all give our opinions to forgive or not to forgive. It is rather unfortunate that our society doesn't support single parenthood* i experienced this first hand*. All the same a man who cheats should not praised and the woman should also not be seen as not having the option of leaving the relationship

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  10. The mentality of the average african is really sad. I hate reading the comments on most of these popular free-for-all nigerian websites cos i know i'll jst end up wanting to shoot someone lol.

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  11. Agree with prism...in Nigeria, it's few women that are financially independent to cater for their kids in this economy, so they stay put in the marriage not because they are stupid or don't have a mind of there own..you see, if things are working smoothly in Nigeria with Govt living up to it's responsibility, i tell you, many women would GET OUT of the marriage than taking crap!

    Also, religion has a hold in our Nigeria society..GOD HATES DIVORCE & WE SHOULD FORGIVE ANY WRONG DOING BECAUSE GOD IN HIS INFINITE MERCY FORGIVES, so we are taught....and single parents are not allowed to be workers in some churches.

    I had observed that men like to have affair with single parent because they believe they need the companionship, hence, NO STRINGS ATTACHED!

    In a NUTSHELL, Nigeria is still evolving,it is gradually we would get to that stage where women would no longer take SHIT from the men! Because having many children is now out of vogue....IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.

    p.s... By the way, is it not a fellow woman that is causing this havoc in another woman's home? SEE, WE ARE OUR OWN WORST ENEMY! :( IF A STUPID IRRESPONSIBLE MARRIED MAN APPROACHES A GAL FOR AN AFFAIR, WHY CAN'T SHE SAY NO! IF WE START LIKE THIS, MEN WOULD GET THE MESSAGE: RESPECT YOUR VOWS! pchew!

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  12. Lmao looooool...
    the tone of your written conveys rage and anger lol
    but i do understand your point though.
    we live in the 21st century
    is flipping 2011 but it seen like we still live in the 1900
    woman are still regarded as subservient chattels of their husband and i for one don't want a portion in that
    i think the woman should just think about her situation. at the end of the day is her life so she should choose what will make her happy. and if that means staying with the husband then she should if not then she should kick him out. either way it is her decision and for those who think she has to make it work... they should stick their heads up their own asses.
    whalahi.. how dare there about "need" or "has" to make it work. she aint got to do nothing..
    x
    x

    p.s. regarding the african clothes, unless its a must i wait till i get to Ghana because it is way too expensive here

    doasbg.blogspot.com

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  13. ha ha ha....let me not even get started on this! cos it makes me sooooooo angry!

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  14. Cosigning with you on most of the points. African women are our worst enemies sadly. When we stop thinking of marriage as the end all and be all then we can release ourselves from our bondage to men.

    Personally I do think adultery can be forgiven. But the dynamics must be on the woman's terms not society's.
    Me, I have stopped going feminist on all those group discussions. just plain maddening..

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